*sigh* uuuuugh it's a tuesday january 19th 2010....i'm freakin 18 and i'm still all sorts of fucked up. i'm not sure why i feel like i should write on this sometimes....oh high focus....what a program....good and bad shit happens and that program is both...kinda..... i feel better than i did, i think i'm better at handling myself, emotions and stuff, i like myself more than i used to....this stuff is just for remembering.... i miss him...a lot...its been years!!!!!!!!! and still...here i am, sometimes i wonder if love is worth it.....its soo painful....but ahaha on a lighter note i hung out wiff mah bestest frie-end :) aftur chambur chior but ahaha good times i love her, she made me happy<3<3<3 i'll rant sadly later!!!!!

woot new entry!!!!!!!!!! lol

i still like that guy that was 'new' we talk and stuff but i've never hung out with him and ugh, idk why i dont wanna reveal his name but yeah i'm not gunna lol, he is in a few classes with me, i'm not scared of being the crazy hoe i am around him cause i honestly dont think i have a chance with him, i think he needs someone who does well in school & is hell-of-a-lot prettier than me. i geuss i flirt but i have no chance at all. chemistry is pretty chill, we sit near eachother & i think he is pretty chill with me, i mean he thinks i'm nuts but its ok cause i am lol hes a jerk but like hes kidding around haha i thinks its good, he's so damn smart, and one day i will get my friends to stop calling him a manniquin!!!!! he is NOT!! i find him very cute. i think i've liked him for a few months now & i wanna ask him to prom but of course i will say 'as friends' cuz i have no ballz & i dont wanna admit that i like him ever, cuz again i is having no chance with him. i really wanna hear him play guitar lol, i love listening to ppl play guitar, its calming, i havent taken my pills in a while, if i remember i'll take one later, yay for me , needing to take pills to make me more normal, but geuss what! they dont work!!! horray for needing to find something else, my pacience is thinning faster and faster, i get pissed so damn easily, i got pissed that my friend was pissed , wtf is that. so i'm lonely and i want a bf, but thats useless because i only like one person i mean wtf is my problem why do i always have to be the girl that likes a boy that will never like her back and like him for a very long time. i know i sound like i'm being hard on myself but its true, i never end up with anyone, there is only one person that counts  and i think i liked him lik 5 months before we dated and i liked him a lot, i was used to liking guys but not that much & now i like someone that much again but this time it isnt likely i'll ever date him, if i do omg  i'd like cry so hard, i'd be so fucking happy. if we did i wouldnt wanna rush shit like i wont be saying i love you for a long as time, that word is not a toy & like i geuss not to much PDA either cuase i've seen how annoying that is, wow i'm really talking about this? i need to stop he doesnt like me, its not happening, i fail at life w/e i'mma stop writing cuz i've pissed myself off and there is noone to make me feel better. awsome. i will be alone forever.

life is gay.

so i hate school & i cnt believe i have a recrush on my ex its crazy i thought i was getting over it! he sux for making me lik him again i blame him & i cnt say why cuz this is a public diary lol so i wont say why, its not a big deal i just like secrets =P oOo well idc right now i still lik jesse, i sit next 2 him im art =] lol i have friends in my classes this year yay!!! & ugh art, i have it first period i'm deff not awake enough then at all lol i have art then history with rosen o jeezez that man can talk lol then algebra [i absolutely and utterly hate math in any form] gym chemistry[what my dad does for a living? what lol]creative writing [i hope i enjoy that class;thou i'm dreading poetry out loud] lunch [9th luch is the shit btw =) ] english[brit lit] graphics!!!!!![ i love schwartz and i love photoshoping shit lol] well thats it i geuss i'm boring uum ltr